The Call of Courage

*****This is the first of three blogs in a series about being courageous with our growth.*****

Normally I start my blogs with a story; some background about what’s on my mind that’s evolving into the ideas for my writing. Not today.

Let’s just jump onto the deep end of the pool on this one.

What brings people to my office is that their ability to handle their distress on their own is failing. The methods they have been using to avoid feeling their feelings and avoid interacting with the distressing feelings of others are no longer working. Their system of unhealthy coping skills, limited emotional intelligence, and lack of self-control is crumbling like a wall being demolished by a wrecking ball. Their feelings and their bodies are worn out. Their motivation to live their best life is becoming buried under depression, anxiety, fear, anger, and sadness. The emotional weight they carry has become a burden they can no longer shoulder alone. They are scared and are calling for someone to throw them a life preserver.

This, my friends, is the call of courage.

The physical call of courage is the filling out the request form for a consultation call. It’s booking the call and actually showing up to answer the phone when I call to talk about what you are needing in this moment and how I can support you.

The emotional call of courage is being open, honest, telling me straight up what’s happening within you that you would like to stop experiencing, what you would like to experience instead, and committing to an appointment to begin your journey.

I work with couples. They are either couples in the traditional sense of 2 people in a committed relationship or perhaps 2 people in a familial relationship. In a non-traditional sense, a couple can be a person focusing on the relationship they are in with someone who is psychologically in the room but not physically present or a person working on the relationship with themself. Each of these examples has 2 distinct identities being considered, and thus there is a couple.

In my office we begin by talking about what feelings are currently being felt. Then I ask what feelings the couple would like to feel instead. Then we talk about the path of getting from one feeling to another. A simple 3 step process- identify what doesn’t feel good, identify the actions to change those feelings, and cross the bridge from feelings to fixing- that can take a day, a week, a month, or a lifetime to complete. So simple, yet so hard to do.

What makes the difference? By choosing to listen to the places in our lives where we are called to be courageous and make choices that lead us to the feeling we want to feel, we can get to the beginning of the feeling. We simply start at the beginning and work forward, but the road often has a big speed bump that must be navigated.

Through our conversations we navigate the speed bump by peeling back the surface level emotions in search of the root cause of the more superficial feelings the couple has unsuccessfully tried to fix. Peel back enough layers and just about everyone gets to the same root cause, the same speed bump.

Fear.

Fear has sound to it, a unique sound which reflects the emotional experiences of our lifetime. Lullabies of soft voices and tender words, soothing touches which affirm our being valued and loved. Harsh edged tones of a jack hammer that leave us covering our ears and backing away.  Wistful soft rock lyrics filled with longing and sad goodbyes. Listen for a moment. How does your fear sound to you? How does it feel within you? What words does it utter to you? Emotionally, take a step outside of yourself and look back at the person you are. As you see yourself, feel the sensation of being drawn towards any of these statements that are a part of your narrative.

For individuals, fear may sound like this:

I’m scared I’ll fail again.

I’m scared to be alone, to not be in a relationship, that I’ll never find someone to share life with.

I’m scared I’ll be laughed at.

I’m scared I’ll be yelled at.

I’m scared I’ll be cursed at, called names, be told how incompetent I am.

I’m scared that the people who tell me I am unlovable and not worthy of their love are right.

I’m scared to tell them they are wrong.

I’m scared to stand up for myself.

I’m scared to acknowledge, name, and state out loud what my wants and needs are because that will make people angry with me for inconveniencing them with my needs.

I’m scared I’ll be abandoned.

I’m scared I’ll never feel loved or wanted again.

I’m scared I can’t handle it if these things happen. I don’t trust in my ability to handle the distress.

For a couple, fear may sound like this:

I’m scared I’ll fail again.

I’m scared to be alone, to not be in a relationship, that I’ll never find someone to share life with.

I’m scared I’ll be laughed at.

I’m scared I’ll be yelled at.

I’m scared I’ll be cursed at, called names, be told how incompetent I am.

I’m scared that the people who tell me I am unlovable and not worthy of their love are right.

I’m scared to tell them they are wrong.

I’m scared to stand up for myself.

I’m scared to acknowledge, name, and state out loud what my wants and needs are because that will make people angry with me for inconveniencing them with my needs.

I’m scared I’ll be abandoned.

I’m scared I’ll never feel loved or wanted again.

I’m scared I can’t handle it if these things happen. I don’t trust in my ability to handle the distress.

Notice anything? It’s not a misprint. Yes, it is the same list for a reason. They are commonly held beliefs and ideas. I hear these everyday and sometimes I am working on them within myself and my various relationships. They are part of being human and having the capacity to feel our feelings, reflect on their meaning and what they can teach us, and describe our needs and feel hopeful when asking for them to be fulfilled.

Yet, on an individual level, what scares me feels unique to me. The experiences I have had that led to me believing that my negative thoughts are true are mine alone. No two people experience life in the same way. I have listened to the sounds of my fear and made life choices believing my fear knows best. And so the path forward to move away from scared to confident will be unique to me as well.

That path is how I answer the call of courage.

The lists are the same for couples or individuals because answering that call begins in the same place for everyone. It begins within me. I begin with learning to believe I am enough just as I am, that I am worthy of love, that my needs have validity, that I can have hard conversations and be ok.

Answering the call of courage begins with recognizing its sound and what the call represents. The call is fear bursting forth as motivation to take a new path in life, to do something to get oneself out of this emotionally and physically draining place, to have the courage to grow up and into a higher level of emotional intelligence and make choices that truly honor oneself.

Making those emotionally mature and intelligent choices move us from feelings and into taking action. But we must know where want to land – we have to identify how we want to feel, what it looks and sounds like, so we know what direction to move in. More importantly, this is how we’ll know when we’ve arrived at our destination and reached our goal.

Ready to build a new future? One that feels honest, authentic, and just plain good?

I am. Meet you in the next blog.

Embrace your best self!

Anne