Bring on the Hammer and Nails…

*****This is the third of three blogs in a series about being courageous with our growth.*****

In this series we’ve be talking about how we show up in our lives and in our relationships. How do we show up for ourselves, and how does that influence how we show up for others? How do our feelings about ourselves positively and negatively impact our relationships? What qualities, traits, feelings are needed to be honest with ourselves about what we want and need? To be able to ask and hear what others want and need? To be able to authentically respond about our level of willingness to fill those needs, or not fill them, or seek compromise.

Love? Yes. Respect? Absolutely. Curiosity? You bet. Vulnerability? Without a doubt.

But the most important of all, in my opinion?

Courage.

Answering The Call of Courage is scary. That was the first blog in the series. In The Bridge, the second blog in this series, we discussed how finding our courage becomes the motivation to begin taking steps across the bridge to the other side of what has been holding us back. A bridge that takes us to those feelings we want to feel, the relationships we want to be connected to, the experiences we want to enjoy and create fond memories.

Time to put action to our desires, force behind our feelings, raise our eyes to the horizon and start taking steps.

Time to build a bridge. Grab your hammer, nails, duct tape, whatever is in your toolbox and let’s make it happen!

When I work with people about making changes in their lives, we get real. No more excuses. Define your goal and let’s get going. Now. Not tomorrow, or next week, or maybe after the holidays, vacation, etc. If it’s meaningful, valued, and has you scared about your ability to get it done- then it’s time to face it head on. Time to be courageous and conquer being scared.

Scared is easier to conquer when you know how to do it. I often ask people to think about being a kid. What did you do with scared when you thought a monster was under your bed? Most kids have a routine: yell for a parent, parent looks under the bed and in the closet, parent tucks their child back into bed and leaves a light on or the door open. This routine allowed us to feel safe to go back to sleep because it gave us a sense of control in a situation which felt out of control.

This is the bridge. It’s a routine, an emotional structure that allows us to feel we have an identified path forward, know what the next step will be, and what it will require of me to take that step.

Our bridge will be built upon a common coaching structure called the 4Cs. The alliteration is catchy and easy to remember. Various programs use their own 4 words in the 4Cs. Common examples include Commitment, Courage, Capability, Confidence, Competence, Connection, Character, Control, Concentration, and Challenge.

For this blog series I am choosing these: Courage, Commitment, Competence, and Character. I chose these to build the mindset of being courageous in my life, committing to what is truly important to me, building the skills needed to be competent in reaching my goals, and developing a sense of character by defining my values and living in sync with these within myself and my life. In therapy sessions in my office, these are represented in the willingness to try new things, trust the process, be a willing learner, and know myself and what I stand for.

Pick your 4Cs. If you want to use mine- go for it!  Want to pick 4 from the list? Go for it!  Want to pick your own? Go for it! Pick the words that work for you in where you are today.

Here’s our first step in building the scaffolding that will become the bridge. Remember those statements in The Bridge (second blog) that often hold us back? We’re going to apply the 4Cs to those statements. We do this to create the goal for each of those statements. Notice how I use my 4C words in the goals. Here’s my version:

I’m scared I’ll fail again.  Scared means this is important to me. I will courageously try.

I’m scared to be alone, to not be in a relationship, that I’ll never find someone to share life with. I am worth knowing and loving. I am courageous in my seeking relationships that honor these parts of me.

I’m scared I’ll be laughed at. I am a secure person whose character values authenticity and can find the humor in life and laugh at myself.

I’m scared I’ll be yelled at. I have the courage and strength of commitment to set boundaries about what is acceptable for me in conversations with you.

I’m scared I’ll be cursed at, called names, be told how incompetent I am. I am competent in advocating for myself worth by calling time outs and/or leaving conversations in which I feel disrespected.

I’m scared that the people who tell me I am unlovable and not worthy of their love are right. I am worth loving. I am committed to ending relationships with people who tell me I am not.

I’m scared to tell them they are wrong. I am a competent person with knowledge and skills that allow me to make sound decisions for myself. I am committed to advocating for my perspective while honoring that your perspective may be different.

I’m scared to stand up for myself. In my character I believe that my feelings and I matter. I will end relationships with people who are unwilling to honor my values.

I’m scared to acknowledge, name, and state out loud what my wants and needs are because that will make people angry with me for inconveniencing them with my needs. I have the courage to set boundaries and require other people in my relationships to take accountability for how they show up and carry their portion of the emotional work in creating a healthy relationship.

I’m scared I’ll be abandoned. My primary relationship is with myself. I commit to myself to show up in healthy ways for myself and not abandon myself by setting aside what I want and need in the relationship.

I’m scared I’ll never feel loved or wanted again. I believe I am worth loving and am committed to not settling for less than the love and caring that feels honoring of who I am, even if that takes time and patience.

I’m scared I can’t handle it if these things happen. When I don’t trust in my ability to handle the distress, I commit to actively building the emotional muscle I need to be strong in feeling distressing feelings as they pass through me and offer me another moment of growth.

Choosing your 4Cs was your first action step. You’re on your way! Let’s keep building. I gave you examples for all of the statements, but today I challenge you to just focus on one statement. No judgment, no right or wrong- just choose one statement that resonates with you. Now write your own goal for that statement. Use at least one of your 4C words so your goal is focused on the new emotional structure you are building.

Done? Congrats! You’ve started building an emotional toolbox of skills: identifying personal values, identifying and facing fears and triggers, being honest with yourself about your needs, committing to being courageous in making changes in your life. These skills are the emotional equivalent of building with a hammer and nails. These are the patterns and structures that you can follow as you take small steps daily in living authentically.

And answering the Call of Courage.

I’m proud of you, my friend- and I hope you are proud of you, too. This is hard. And together we get hard things accomplished.

As always,

Embrace your best self!

Anne