Diligence in Action

**This is the second in a series about the 5 most important qualities I see my successful couples develop, explore, embrace, and live as they heal and create new paths forward. These are the building blocks in their new foundation of deeper connection and intimacy. And now, hopefully yours, too! Enjoy!

I have a beautiful view from my home office. My office is at the back and through the windows I overlook the small common area between my neighborhood and the next one. Filled with trees, bushes, grassy patches, the sunlight filters through to gently brighten the space and welcome new life. Trees and grass thrive, birds build nests and lay eggs each spring, and most mornings a mother deer is followed by her fawn as she leads her to safer areas away from the busy streets and people walking their dogs.

One morning, while sitting at my desk, I heard an unusual sound. Not the neighbors having coffee, not the engines of the mowers and blowers, but more of a metallic squeak. A consistent sound like the creak of a rocking chair on a porch as the person rocks back and forth, back and forth.

Distracted, curious, unable to shut out the sound, I looked through the window and found the culprit.

My neighbors have a birdfeeder pole in the backyard. This pole is just underneath a tree, and the feeder hangs from a metal chain. Also hanging from this chain was… a squirrel.

One very diligent squirrel.

I watched this squirrel for a bit. The more I watched the more fascinated I became. It was acrobatic, nimble, calculating. But above all, it was motivated and therefore diligent.

As living creatures, we are wired to move towards what feels rewarding and good. Likewise, we are wired move away from what is painful and hurts us physically and emotionally and feels unsafe, dangerous, threatening.

This squirrel was moving towards this birdfeeder in a big way. Past all of the acorns and pecans dropped from the trees, past the birdseed spilled on the ground from the feeder, past the bits of fresh fruit and veggies one of the neighbors puts out for the wildlife. This squirrel wanted that feeder filled with food. But why? When other sources of food were so much easier, why the feeder?

I don’t know the answer to that question, and I don’t think it really matters. The squirrel knew the answer. That was the right source of food for it in that moment and so the squirrel went after it like me eating macaroons at my favorite coffee shop. Do not get between me and the macaroons- do not get between the squirrel and the feeder. Our diligence fills that space. No room for anything else!

Diligence is about identifying a goal. What is that thing that feels good, that I want to move towards? How do I get there? What are the steps, the actions, the path I need to take to reach my goal? Is my motivation strong enough remain steady and true to my path as I take step after step to move forward? Am I identifying actions and taking steps that help me rather than hinder me and cause me to lose sight of the goal and my motivation dwindle away?

The squirrel had a goal. Get to the feeder and eat breakfast. Clear, motivating, worth the effort, and will definitely feel good! But it was the lengths this squirrel went to that fascinated me. It would run up the tree, jump onto the chain causing the feeder to swing and the chain to squeak. It would then shimmy down the chain upside down to the feeder, let go of the chain with its front paws while hanging on by its back paws. The front paws were used to grasp the edge of the hole in the feeder while the squirrel shoved its head into the hole, stuffing its mouth with birdseed before pulling out and running headfirst up the chain.

The fascinating part was watching the squirrel ride the chain like a trapeze. The squirrel would stare at the tree, swing two or three times with the chain, then reach out with the paws on the right side of its body just in time to catch the tree. This little acrobat would chew and swallow while being stretched wide open with the birdfeeder chain in its left paws and the tree bark in its right paws.

And then it would let go. But just the right paws. The squirrel stayed with the chain and close to the food, new momentum in the swing built by the letting go of the tree. The squirrel timed this so well. Just enough new momentum built up to have time to run down, grab another mouthful of birdseed, get back up the chain, reach out to grab the bark, chew and swallow, then start the cycle again. Over and over, the squirrel repeated the behaviors that felt good and were so rewarding.

Why the long squirrel story?

Because I’m calling you out.

 If a squirrel with a brain the size of a walnut can figure out the most efficient way to steal birdseed from a hanging feeder and stay with that rewarding pattern to nourish it’s body, then you can find the most efficient ways to build healthy patterns of communication in your relationships.

Finding the pattern that works takes diligence. There’s trial and error, slips and falls, a need for flexibility and the courage to take a chance. Staying with the pattern that works takes diligence. It’s the dedication to show up each day, the determination to move forward one step at a time, the belief that the goal is worth the effort.

This diligence is what relationships that make it through the tough moments build upon. Couples know what patterns don’t work: yelling, name calling, silent treatment, threats to leave the relationship. That’s what they bring into my office and dump on the coffee table, sometimes on each other, sometimes on me. They move away from what doesn’t feel good. They move away from the pain caused in these moments of anger, fear, or sadness and therefore move away from one another.

Couples often come into the first session and say, “Just tell us what to do to fix this.” Sure, I can do that. It’s easy- speak softly and lovingly, share your needs and ask for what is needed, be willing to compromise, take accountability for your role in the distress, apologize freely and frequently, let go of the grudge when amends have been made. But I can’t teach you diligence. I can identify the step or the action needed, support you while you try doing it yourself in the office, give homework suggestions to practice. That diligence must come from within you, when you can begin trusting the process that implementing these changes will feel good and move you towards one another again. That willingness to practice, to stay with it even when the other person doesn’t, to not give in to moments of heightened emotion and cause further damage- that comes from a deep down place within. That’s you- it’s within you and yours to tap into at any time. Use it.

You don’t have to have the knowledge or the diligence when starting the healing journey. But you do have to have them to finish it. Just like the squirrel. Choose the goal that feels good. Try steps to get yourself there. Keep what works and build upon it. Let that create momentum that keeps the pattern flowing and makes it easier and enjoyable to stay in that rewarding new cycle.

What waits for you is much better than birdseed. I promise!

Just don’t tell the squirrel.

As always,

Embrace your best self!  Anne