I Understand…
I’m often asked where I get my ideas for writing. Some writers use their blog to share structured concepts and solutions, provide updates on latest trends, or educate the reader about topics that may feel foreign to them- financial planning, medicine/health, starting a business.
But that’s not me. On a deeper level I consider myself more of an observer of life rather than a leader of trends. I have a strong leaning towards being an introvert and spend my days observing others, watching how they interact and the messages being conveyed in those moments. I notice the nuances. I see the slightest movements in facial expressions as the brain and the body absorb the ideas from a conversation being held, show being watching, music being heard, book being read, or the relaxation of peaceful stillness. My ears follow the word choices and tones, the volume and pace of the conversation- anger, love, soothing, nurturing, fear all have their own unique sound. I noticed how body postures gently sway towards one another when conversations are warm, authentic, and inclusive. I also notice the leaning out, the step back, the turn of a head when the energy of the interaction becomes negative or uncomfortable. I notice the avoidance of interaction with others in favor of interaction with a phone. I follow the hopeful smile and shining eyes of someone who is feeling brave in their vulnerability and attempting a small moment of positive interaction with a stranger. These are all moments of metacommunication- our communication beyond the letters that form words. Our metacommunication is how we communicate all the time in all sorts of ways. Something we introverts are highly dependent upon to read the room or read how safe a person or a conversation is for us.
Yet I’m also an observer of my own life. I notice all of these within myself. They guide me like a compass attempting to show me the path to reach my True North. While there is a logical side to this, it’s much more of an exploration of feelings. How do I feel within myself, physically and emotionally? How do I feel within this conversation, this relationship, this singular moment in time? These moments are the source of my blogs; simple moments in which I notice SOMETHING and my curiosity peaks. Why did I just notice THAT, and what do I need to bring to full awareness within myself?
Which brings me to today’s topic.
I had a moment a few days ago in which I was angry, exasperated, fed up, triggered, etc, etc., etc. There was a wreck at the intersection of how society functions and how do I get my needs heard and fulfilled. Since COVID began, I have had a running list of words and phrases that feel overused, misused, and I would be perfectly happy never hearing them again. “Pivot” led the list as we lost face-to-face interactions and all went online. Sandwiches and beer that suddenly became “hand-crafted” as the prices went up takes second place. Seriously, isn’t everything hand-crafted since that’s how stuff gets made?? The phrases are overused and have lost their meaning. Sometimes they even push people away. But the one that caused the wreck for me that day was “I Understand”.
And I’ll start by acknowledging the other person was completely innocent in this moment. I was calling a customer service helpline. I had a problem with a very clear solution that I needed the company to implement. I explained my request and was told by the customer service rep “I understand”. Then I was asked for more information which clearly indicated she did not understand. I would explain again and then again hear “I understand”. We went through this for several rounds and my frustration grew. The rep was obviously reading from a script; each new round of questions beginning with a phrase meant to convey validation and empathy to provide assurance that the company was confidently solving the problem.
But the metacommunication was wrong. The tone of her voice was flat and robotic. The repetition of the phrase was too structured and felt unnatural and inauthentic when used so often as a response. Missing were any words that identified the feelings I was having; words that would have allowed me to feel soothed, valued, and heard. The company gave this rep a script to follow without providing the coaching needed to give the script meaning for the listener. Society is demanding to have their feelings acknowledged, yet on a mass level such as this “I understand” becomes dry, robotic, meaningless.
As a therapist there are certain topics that come up in just about every client’s life. Needing to feel heard through validation and empathy is in the top 3 topics. As an observer I watch the struggle play out as more emotionally minded people try to attach with logically minded people through sharing, needing this bonding to have relationships and repair from moments of distress. My emotionally minded clients feel heard and understood not just when every emotion is validated, but when the depth of the feeling is acknowledged as well. When that combo happens it’s the “You get me” moment which soothes so many hurts and lays the foundation for building trust and having hope. My logically minded folks struggle with this. The confusions and frustration are so evident on their faces, in their exasperated tone, in their flashes of anger and feelings of helplessness disguised as defensiveness. They need to know where to start, where the trailhead for this path of emotions begins.
It begins with “I understand.”
Unfortunately, it also often ends there.
Society now knows to offer validation and empathy to indicate caring and head off additional distress. Yet the emphasis is misplaced. Society, whether on the level of a large company or a single individual, focuses on saying the words. Society is reading a script, following a flow chart, or checking the box on the list of empathetic phrases learned in therapy or through an internet search.
True understanding is far more than just saying the words. True understanding is revealed by how the words are said. The power of true understanding comes through the soft facial expression, the genuine warmth in the eyes, the gentle touch, the laying down of the phone and turning towards the person in pain to give undivided attention to their pain. True understanding is made known by identifying the feeling being felt and confirming it’s ok to feel that feeling to the depth it exists. In these moments, the hurt recedes and makes space for deeper connection and trust.
When I hear “I understand”, I internally question what you think you understand about me. Do you know the feelings I am having? Do you know why I am feeling them? To what extent I am feeling them? Do you understand what role you play in them being active within me?
I challenge my couples, and now you, to move beyond the robotic “I understand.” Extend the phrase with soothing gestures, naming the feelings you think you are happening in that person, taking accountability if you are the one responsible for the distress, and then just pause and listen. For then you have created a safe space for sharing, and acceptance of feelings is key to genuinely understanding. As always…
Embrace your best self! Anne