Marriages, Marathons, & Mission Statements

Contract– an oral or written agreement defining terms and conditions

Values– guiding principles for making decisions often indicating a level of importance

Expectations– the assumed minimum level of effort, action, or quality; may be spoken or unspoken

Boundaries– shared limitations often focusing on limiting unwanted behaviors or eliciting wanted    behaviors

New style of starting this blog today. It’s a little bit academic, a little bit logical, a little bit behavioral.

And a whole lot couples therapy.

When couples come into my office for the first time, they’re curious-not sure what to expect. Often anxious-how emotionally uncomfortable is this going to be? Occasionally angry at one another, excited to learn something new, or relieved to be in a place where someone else will take the wheel and steer them in the right direction. They want to know more about how “this” works, this mysterious therapeutic process that will take them from a place the often feels more worse than better, is filled with more questions than answers, and may be leaving one or both of them questioning the durability of the marriage. They focus on how long the sessions will last, how frequently they should come, if this is fixable (usually, if you’re willing to do the work), and how quickly they will feel better (hopefully sooner than later). Sometimes there are tears releasing the pain that has been held inside for so long without the relief of being heard, understood, or soothed.  Sometimes small smiles are shared as happy memories long buried under the pain begin to reemerge and they see themselves in agreement about that moment of positivity.  Sometimes it’s that deer in the headlights look because life just got real– their problems are bad enough they are now sitting in my office.

Yet the focus of their attention is misplaced. It’s not about how you start. It’s about how you finish.

Starting is the easy part. Book an appointment, fill out the paperwork, show up together. That’s the Marriage part.

Finishing is hard. That’s the Marathon and Mission Statement part.

My couples remind me of me in those first moments of getting to know one another; the me I was on that cold December day when I ran my first marathon (TBH- my only marathon so far). I’m barely 5’1” and remember lining up at the starting line with several thousand other people. I couldn’t see the starting line, couldn’t hear the blare of the starter’s horn, and I certainly couldn’t see the finish line. I just knew it was out there somewhere and if I just kept putting one foot in front of another and followed the crowd ahead of me (I’m pretty slow) I’ll eventually hear the band playing, see the balloon arch, and feel the weight of the finisher’s medal being hung on my neck.

Couples therapy in my office reminds me of this marathon. A marathon has a starting line and a finish line with lots small steps and diligence and stubbornness and trusting the process sandwiched in between. The starting line and the finish line of the race are fairly similar to one another- cheering crowds, upbeat music, good vibes flowing like Niagara Falls.

Just like the marathon, couples therapy has lots of small steps, diligence, stubbornness, and moments of trusting the process. The starting line and the finish line for couples therapy in my office are also fairly similar to one another. However, there aren’t balloons or cheering crowds or upbeat music (although I can make that happen!). Instead, these starting lines and finish lines are in the form of questions, discussions, explorations of who they are as a couple-the couple’s identity- rather than who they are as individuals.

A marathon must start somewhere with a defined endpoint so the runners know the goal has been achieved. The journey of couples therapy must start somewhere with a defined endpoint as well so the couple can decide if they have met their goal of healing and finding a new path forward for their life together. Together we stand at the starting line. I open the discussion by asking them what they stand for, to describe who they are as a couple, what do they believe in and how would other people be able to see this in practice in their lives.

Basically I’m asking — What’s your Mission Statement????

No couple has yet been able to answer that question at the starting line of couples therapy. They fumble their words, look to one another for guidance, look blankly at me, and repeat the question back to me as they buy time to think before shrugging their shoulders and say they never talked about it.

So I say ok, and we talk about it. Multiple discussions, session after session of each person learning how to identify their own stuff and how to ask for what is needed. We talk about the contract of marriage- those promises that were made in front of friends and loved ones. We talk about the expectations they have of one another as spouses and possibly as parents as well. Have the expectations been shared? Or do they remain unspoken, unmet, and have now become resentments? We talk about the system of values that the couple believes to be important and how-or if- they as a couple live according to those values on a daily basis. We talk about boundaries and taking accountability and protecting their relationship from outsiders and sometimes from their own unhealthy behaviors which slowly erode the love that brought them together.

Couples therapy is an emotional marathon made up of the series of small, intentional steps moving the couple forward towards a finish line that’s hoped for yet nowhere in sight. Along the way they discuss the contract they agreed upon, define boundaries and expectations to create the emotional structure which supports authentically living for the world to see this new value system that reflects who they are in their relationship. And they know they’ve crossed the finish line when they can write a Mission Statement for themselves. It’s their finisher medal. Cue the music!

When I ran my marathon, I never anticipated it to be the transformative experience that it was. Of the over 70,000 steps I calculated taking, there was 1 step-just one– that changed me forever. It was that last step that took me across the finish line. Before that final step I was someone who had never run a marathon. After that step I was someone who had run a marathon. And during the in between of my feet being off the ground and my body gliding across the finish line I was someone who was honoring the contract she had made with herself. Someone honoring her boundaries, living up to her expectations, and living her life in a way that showed the world she was proud of herself. A new identity was created in that step; one that can never be taken away from me.

Doing the couples work to move from not having a clue about our Mission Statement to it’s written and posted proudly on the fridge like your first grade artwork was is transformative. The process transforms the couple into living and loving with a healthy sense of intent, mutual respect, and authenticity. The couple identity is now in sync, moving forward on the same path with the same finish line ahead. There is a newfound purpose and meaning; the new path is cherished and nurtured.

Pick your starting line. Circle the day on your calendar, block off the time, show up together prepped and ready to put pencil to paper. Then just write. I’ve given you the questions. Talk about them. Share. Be vulnerable. Advocate for what’s truly important to you. Add ideas without judgment, add more ideas, cross off a few, tweak the language here and there. Decorate your Mission Statement with glitter and stickers and hang it on your fridge for the world to see. Stand back, hug one another as the transformation sets in; feel the new sense of purpose and commitment. And smile, for you’ve just crossed the finish line.

As always, embrace your best self!

Anne