The Call of Compassion

**This is the fifth blog in a series about the 5 most important qualities I see my successful couples develop, explore, embrace, and live as they heal and create new paths forward. These are the building blocks in their new foundation of deeper connection and intimacy. And now, hopefully yours, too! Enjoy!

If you have been reading this series, I thank you and offer my respect, appreciation, and gratitude for your compassion in the moments spent being open to my perspectives. This last part may not make sense yet, but it will soon.

When I chose the qualities to discuss in these blogs, I chose them because these are what I observe my successful couples exhibit. They practice these qualities on a daily basis; these have replaced the unhealthy habits and traits brought into therapy and are becoming second-nature in their relationships. That said, success is defined by the couple: their goals, their pace, their future. Whatever they choose-marriage, divorce, trial separation, break up, nesting, effective co-parenting- doesn’t affect this list of qualities. These five qualities foster healthy communication patterns, deeper understanding and acceptance, safe spaces for conversations, the ability to find compromise and a resolution that is acceptable to everyone without coming at the expense of anyone.

I also intentionally chose the order of these qualities. I began with curiosity to shift the mindset towards being open to new ways of approaching conversations and relationships. Diligence and self-discipline followed to bring awareness to the need for authentic reflection of being responsible for one’s own patterns of behavior within their own life- within the relationships with oneself and within relationships with others, romantic or not. Learning to forgive ourselves for the intentional and unintentional pain we have caused, ask for and accept forgiveness from the other person, and seek forgiveness from the marriage is more easily accomplished when we have been curious listeners, diligent in our efforts, and disciplined in how we show up in the healing process.

And now I close with compassion. Specifically, …

The Call of Compassion

The words validation and empathy are thrown around my office more often than a baseball in the World Series opening game. Sometimes they are hurled in anger by one person at the other with a level of frustration and unmet need that is palpable. Sometimes they are spoken with the deer in the headlights expression; the speaker startled, eyes open and fearful, body frozen, uncertain of what to do, what to say, where to go next in the discussion. Sometimes they are celebrated when appreciations for one another are shared while we talk about what is going well or other times when I pop into their conversation with a quick affirmation of the attempt to validate or empathize before I pop back out.

Learning to validate and empathize is probably the most often requested skill my couples ask me to teach them. That lesson begins with 3 ideas:

*validation and empathy are not interchangeable ideas

*successful validation and empathy are based in feeling, not logic

*compassion is equally, if not more important, than validation and empathy (in my opinion)

Simply put, validation is the ability to listen to another person’s perspective and acknowledge something about that perspective that allows you to see why the person holds the perspective. It’s this idea of “It’s makes sense to me that you see it that way because…”.  Feel free to use that as often as needed.

Empathy is the ability to identify the feeling the other person is likely experiencing, tap into that feeling within yourself as closely as possible, and say, “That must feel______ for you. It makes sense to me. I would feel that way, too.” Feel free to use that as often as needed as well.

But compassion is different. Validation and empathy focus on identifying and acknowledging the state of mind of the other person, the type of emotions being felt, the depth of feeling those emotions swirling and overtaking their thoughts. Compassion is the fix. Compassion emerges from that place within us that comes alive when validation and empathy have successfully been achieved. Compassion is that pull towards the other person, that sudden need to do something to ease the other person’s pain, the call to take action and provide comfort.

Compassion is recognition that everyone has feelings, including ourselves. Compassion gives us the ability to understand the notion that our behavior and choices affect everyone, including ourselves. Compassion moves us to acknowledge the suffering being felt and take action to ease that suffering, including towards ourselves.

Within a relationship compassion moves us past acknowledging the feelings of the other person. It moves us to that final movement of leaning into our vulnerability to pass the box of tissues, hold their hand, lightly touch their arm, offer a hug, ask what is needed in that moment to feel better. Compassion breathes life into the feeling of being in this feeling, in this experience, together. I am no longer alone in my suffering because you are here with me. I can hear your words, feel your touch, feel safe in knowing I am seen and heard and understood and accepted just as I am.

Compassion is also different in that we need to experience this within the relationship with ourselves. We are compassionate with ourselves when we speak kindly and with encouragement, when we accept our mistakes and forgive ourselves, when we take time to care for our physical bodies as well as our emotions.

To me, taking the time to read these blogs, to be open to new ways of thinking about yourself and your relationships, is an act of compassion. You have feelings and some of them need a bit of TLC. If that weren’t true you wouldn’t be spending the time to read this series. Learning how to be tender with your feelings, make changes that nurture healthy growth, and accept that you are a work in progress is being compassionate to yourself. Please do that often.

One of my favorite people often says, “You be good to you” when our conversations end, and the genuineness with which these words are expressed makes me smile. Thank you for reading, thank you for taking the time for yourself and for your relationships.

You be good to you. You be good to others. We’re all in this together.

As always,

Embrace your best self!  Anne