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  • The Honey Do List-aka-The Problem Isn’t Really the Problem

    Spoiler alert! Today’s blog requires participation. Grab paper, a pencil, and something to drink. Get ready to write!

    Write down all the things you are constantly asking your partner to get done around the house as well as all the things you silently wish your partner would just-do-without-having-to-be-asked-to-do around the house. You’ve got 2 minutes- ready, steady, write!

    That’s your Honey Do List. Now, turn the list over and keep reading.

    Does the Honey Do List ring a bell with you? It’s that unending list of boring stuff we have for our partner that we need them to just GET IT DONE. I’m betting you have one already. It may be written on a family calendar, hanging on the fridge, or you share it with your partner every morning as you try to get up and get moving forward for the day. Feed the dog. Pick up dinner on the way home from work. Don’t forget to put the laundry in the dryer. Call your mother- it’s her birthday. Trash needs to go out tonight for garbage day tomorrow. And on, and on, and on…

    Generally, the Honey Do list takes on a role in a relationship for 1 of 2 reasons: one or both people grew up with parents who organized home life in this manner, or one partner is more of a structured and organized type A personality and the other person is more laid back and go with the flow type B, i.e. work before play vs play before work. The Honey Do list is the unsexy stuff in a relationship that can only be avoided for so long before resentment builds. Logistically, getting this stuff done is where part of the problem lies. It’s the problem underneath that problem that is the focus today.

    I notice with my couples that the Honey Do List either works for or against them. Some couples treat the list like a football game- it’s them against the list. They plan and coordinate and learn from previous mistakes how to become better and stronger and defeat the list week after week. They are successful as couples because they can view themselves as being on the same team against defeating the list and are willing to learn whatever communication skills are necessary to remain undefeated. Like football, they have a playbook of which skills have worked, and which haven’t worked that they reference to remain strong. Success!! Let the dancing in the end zone commence!

    Other couples also view themselves as being on a team. However, it’s one person and the list on a team (Team A) against the other person (Team B), and that other person (Team B) must be defeated. Team A makes the decisions about what needs to be done, how it needs to be done, and when it needs to be done. Team A delivers the list with the certainty that this is the only way to make it to the Superbowl of completing chores and errands. Team B faces the choice of playing by Team A’s rules or being judged, criticized, or insulted for being a lousy player. Team B leaves the field, head hanging down, feeling defeated.

    So why am I talking about lists of chores and football teams? One, it’s playoffs in football season! Two, most people have either played football, watched football, or have been in the high school marching band playing at half time. We kind of get that concept of people working together for a common goal.

    Healthy couples are healthy because they view themselves as being on the same team. Couples build successful relationships when they can work as a team by being collaborative and they begin to recognize that the problem isn’t really the problem. They know the Honey Do List isn’t really the problem. It’s not the chores that are a problem- that’s the logistical part. It’s how they approach the list and discuss strategies to complete the tasks for the win-that’s the problem underneath. Long lasting happy couples have learned that winning the game of life is about knowing one another’s strengths and weaknesses, being accepting of these rather than critical, using this knowledge to make the relationship stronger, and being supportive of the efforts being made to move the relationship forward. Try reading that sentence again and substitute team for couple and relationship- it will sound like this: Long lasting happy team have learned that winning the game of football is about knowing one another’s strengths and weaknesses, being accepting of these rather than critical, using this knowledge to make the team stronger, and being supportive of the efforts being made to move the team forward. Successful couples work in very similar ways to successful football teams- shared goals, strong communication, clearly defined rules, clearly defined roles, clearly defined expectations.

    Successful football teams know that a strong passing game isn’t just about learning how to handle the ball properly. It’s about communication and timing and building trust and fostering a deeper bond between the quarterback and the receivers. Successful couples know that poorly washed dishes aren’t just about the dishes; it’s about learning how to communicate expectations and needs in a way that strengthens the emotional bond rather than tearing it down.

    The problem isn’t the Honey Do List of PHYSICAL chores and errands and jobs around the house. Turn your list over and take a look at it. How many of the items listed are tasks that need to be completed? Those are solvable. They aren’t the problem.

    The problem is the Honey Do List of the EMOTIONAL chores and errands and jobs around the house.

    Reread that list you made a few minutes ago and notice what feelings come up for you. That Honey Do chore list you created is likely also a list of emotional needs you have in the relationship: notice me, appreciate me, help me, support me, be together with me in this life. The list reveals the places in which something is missing for you, and you are feeling unsuccessful in asking your partner to give it to you. The lack of communication skills, trust, and emotional connection that successful teams have and lean into to successfully create winning experiences leaves your relationship feeling negative and you as individuals feeling unappreciated and devalued.

    And underneath negative, unappreciated, and devalued is the most important item on the list…

    Resentment.

    Resentment is a form of anger. It’s the anger that builds slowly and deeply with each small moment of missed connection and positivity. Resentment is dangerous within a relationship. It stealthily creeps into all aspects of your connection and erodes the ability to feel loving, act in loving ways, and give the benefit of the doubt.

    Resentment in the Honey Do list often sounds like this in our own heads:

    *I shouldn’t have to ask for this to been done- it’s so obvious to do.

    *If they loved me, they would do it without me asking.

    *How hard is it to _______? Why do I have to go back and do it myself for the chore to be done right?

    *I’ll just do it myself- it’s faster and easier that way and I’m tired of fighting about it.

    *If they aren’t going to do it, I’m not doing it for them. I’ll show them- it can just go undone.

    Nodding your head?  Any of these phrases sound familiar because you have said them or heard them before? Did you catch the common theme running through these ideas? These are all ideas that expressed unmet expectations, and that’s the breeding ground for resentment. It’s human nature to have preferred ways to do the physical tasks of folding laundry, loading the dishwasher, or making the bed. It’s also human nature to have preferred ways to feel cared about. Many of you may have read Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages book. It’s also human nature to avoid asking for our needs to be met when expressing the need requires vulnerability. Vulnerability can feel emotionally threatening. We are opening ourselves to being judged as weak, needy, too much, selfish, controlling, high maintenance, rigid. We protect ourselves against vulnerability and these judgments by building a wall of anger and blame towards the other person for making us state the need or expectation out loud rather than just reading our minds. Which, honestly, would be so much easier, right? No fear of judgment or shame during a conversation in which those needs and expectations are stated out loud and immediately rejected or shut down with criticism, contempt, or defensiveness.

    But having those conversations is what builds the team. They build a successful football team as they foster collaboration on new plays and building one another up with affirmations of effort and successfully completed goals. Conversations about sharing needs, the chores on the Honey Do list, or how to help me feel loved build the team of US. We learn to listen to feedback, to hear why a need is being asked to be met, to learn how to help one another feel loved, and deepen trust by building a safe space for vulnerability.

    So, take your Honey Do list and your pencil and add one more thing to do- start the conversation softly with appreciation for being open to working as a team and learning how to collaborate instead of denigrate.

    And watch as your Honey Do list becomes a Honey, I’m Done! List.

    As always,

    Embrace your best self!  Anne