The Keeper of the Key

This blog began about 2 months ago. Time to let it shine!

In December I visited a big box store. I needed a portable navigation system as a back up for the one in my car as that one appeared to be on its last legs. Couldn’t hold a charge, unable to retrieve previous destinations, power cord rewrapped in electrical tape to prevent it from short circuiting. I had sympathy for this little one  (This feels awful for you!) and empathy (I get it- I can’t recharge or take another step forward either!) for that little route finder. Middle of December I was feeling on my last legs, unable to recharge, and held together by wrapping paper and ribbon. I offered my little route finder validation (You’re 10 years old- being worn out makes sense to me!) and compassion (Let’s give you a rest this trip.) Off to the big box store for a new portable nav system.

And that’s where I met The Keeper of the Key.

I went to the back of the store to the electronics section. Two employees, three sets of customers with more on their way, and lots of stuff for sale. Stuff neatly and securely locked behind glass doors for safekeeping- we could look but not touch. Remember hearing that as a child? Everyone was busy, all the customers wanted to be helped NOW, and the employees were outnumbered.

Somebody needed to take charge, to organize, to bring structure and orderliness to a moment otherwise on the brink of chaos. And there she was.

This woman stood out immediately. Middle aged and average build, she was shining like the sun on a hot summer day. Head up, shoulders back, standing tall as she walked through her area with calmness and certainty. Her voice soothed customers complaining about wanting access to the products as she offered assurances that they had been seen, their need heard, and she was tracking who was next in line- no buts, no cuts in her department!

I stood back and watched as she built a relationship with her employee and each of these customers. She held the key that would unlock the doors and fill the customers’ needs. This granted her power in the relationship; by being The Keeper of the Key she held status in these relationships. Watching her from afar was like watching a maestro conduct an orchestra. She knew the goal for the day and directed with authority and confidence while maintaining an affirming and welcoming energy that felt safe to approach and engage.

Why am I, a couples therapist, writing about this woman and boring you with my shopping errands?

Because so many moments of life offer the seemingly competing options of frustration and growth. I had to make a choice when I arrived in that dept. on a busy shopping day. I could get ticked off because the department was understaffed and I had to wait, or I could practice deep breathing as I looked for ways I could grow in patience and self-knowledge.

When I backed off the frustration and opened my mind to taking in the moment, I saw what was truly happening- metacommunication.  

What was happening in those on the brink of chaos moments was the art of mastering metacommunication. And a master she was!

Communication- the sounds we make- is about 10% of a conversation. The other 90ish% is metacommunication. This is the specific word choice, volume, tone, pace of speech, the facial expressions, gestures, body position, timing of statements, etc., etc., etc. It’s how we say what we’re saying and share the meaning within the message. And it’s hugely important, a game changer, when people are sharing needs and asking for their needs to be met.

This master of metacommunication would nod, wave, point the direction to go, smile and laugh, walk from person to person offering acknowledgement through eye contact, and soothe with reassurances of “I’m on my way!”. Because she followed through on the assurances she offered, a sense of safety through organization followed by a calm pace of needs being met settled into place. The department flowed with peace and purpose under her direction.

In each of the relationships she built with her employee and her customers were the elements of healthy communication for couples. The metacommunication that signals safety and feeling soothed and cared about.

She held the key to unlock the doors. The key was a symbol of power, and she held the power to fill or deny our need for access to the goods. She artfully communicated her willingness to hear and meet our needs through her metacommunication. Our collaborate willingness to be patient and trust that she would be true to the messages being sent through her metacommunication created a healthy cycle of needs being expressed and met.

In your relationship, who is The Keeper of the Key? Who holds the power around whether needs are safely shared, validated, soothed, and met? Is this power used for the betterment of the relationship? Or is this power used as a means of controlling the other person and therefore controlling what needs are discussed, what level vulnerability is felt, what level of accountability is taken?

I watched in a busy moment how this woman gave her key to the other employee. A moment of metacommunication signaling “I trust you with this key and that you will use it well.” She moved her relationship with the employee from “I have the key” to “We share the key; we share the responsibility for hearing and meeting the needs expressed by our customers”.

So I ask again, who is The Keeper of the Key in your relationship? Who holds the power in the relationship? Anger? Resentment? Grudges? Unmet needs? Substance use? Inadequate communication skills? Sense of entitlement? Anxiety? Fear? Contempt? One person maintaining control over the other?

Healthy couples move in the same patterns as this woman. They use metacommunication as a tool to meet the needs of the relationship; the needs to feel seen, heard, understood, soothed, and cared about. These couples move from “I have the key and therefore the power that gets me what I want from you” to “We hold the key which gives us the power to unlock the doors to the life we wish to experience together”. They honor what the key metaphorically represents-power- and work together to honor and wisely use the power it holds.

I waited my turn, had a lovely moment in purchasing a new nav system, and left the store. I left the store as a different person. The constant observer of life now a bit wiser, more patient, and emotionally richer for having watched a master in action.

As always,

Embrace your best self!  Anne